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why do we fall in love with one person and not another

why do we fall in love with one person and not another

why do we fall in love with one person and not another? This is a question that often puzzles us. Often times this has deep psychological reasons that go all the way back to our childhood. I will explain a couple different perspectives to this question. But remember that the answer will be individual. This means that the reason you fall in love with someone will be a bit different than the reason your friend might fall in love with someone. Hopefully one of these perspectives seem relatable to you.

Internal stories

We all have internal dialogue with ourselves. For some of us this dialogue is in words and for some it’s in images. The stories we tell our selves affect the way we look at the world and understand the things around us. Often times these stories are subconscious and we don’t know about them. These stories affect your beliefs and needs. This includes the type of partner you are subconsciously looking for.

Take an example, I seem to subconsciously tell myself that I need to be the knight who saves a troubled princess. Whenever I see a girl with psychological or material problems I can’t help myself but feel attracted to the idea of saving her. This in turn makes me attracted to weak or sad people. It feels as if it’s unexplainable and there’s some invisible rope pulling me towards them. But in reality the question of why do we fall in love with one person and not another can be explained by these stories. So try asking yourself what stories about love you are telling yourself subconsciously.

Biological perspective

Biologically we are looking for a partner who would secure the future of our kids. This means, a woman looks for someone who would be a good father and be able to provide security. A man on the other hand is looking for someone who can give birth to healthy children. Thus men tend to put more weight into physical appearance, especially body proportions. Big breasts for example means the woman is fertile.

Childhood relations

Often times why do we fall in love with one person and not another can relate to the relations we had as a child. Or the relations we saw in our surroundings as a child. For example, a girl who watched her parents’ abusive relationship tends to seek an abusive relationship. For me, I tend to seek a solid longterm co-dependent relationship. Where me and my partner does everything together since that’s what my parents had.

Childhood trauma can often have a big effect on how you fall in love. If you seem to get attracted to the wrong kind of people. Try looking at how the relationship of your parents were like and you can get a better understanding for why.

When it comes to finding a good parent we compare to the idea of a good parent we have from our childhood. The only idea we have of what a parent should be like is by comparing to our own parents. We thus tend to look for love in people who resemble our own mother or father. In some cases this is also completely reversed, where some people look for the opposite. A man who grew up without a father can often turn homosexual in the need to fulfil this need of having a male role model. A person with a very abusive parent can in some cases lead to the search for the polar opposite. No matter the situation, your parents had a big impact on your choice of romantic partners.

Neurochemistry perspective

why do we fall in love with one person and not another according to neurochemistry is not so easy to understand. In many ways this also relates to the biological or a psychological perspective. When we feel emotion, it’s our brain releasing chemicals. When an external stimuli happens, like when you meet a new person or kiss someone. Chemicals are released as a response. Depending on our internal stories and our previous experience. The response to this stimuli will be different. In other words depending on our understanding of the world and our previous experiences, the meeting might make us feel good or bad.
Understanding this makes it easy to understand this next part.

There’s a Neurochemical called oxytocin which makes us feel in love. This chemical is triggered through feeling close to another person, both emotionally and physically. Being hugged or kissed, touched or having intense eye contact can trigger oxytocin. In other words, by being close to another person we will fall in love. If this was the only truth then we could fall in love with any person as long as they were there. This is often the case, there’s no need for a person to be special but rather being intimate triggers romantic emotions.


So why do we fall in love with one person and not another? The answer is pretty simple. This person has some trait you’ve associated with romance. Either it’s someone who resembles your parent or someone who lives up to your physical ideal. Filling these requirements as well as being the type of person in your internal story about relationships. And finally being close to this person who fulfils these other requirements means you will fall in love.

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